


I Wish You Were Here

by CSDeckerx



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Heavy Angst, Lost Love, Pain, Romance, Separations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-03-08 05:18:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18887944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CSDeckerx/pseuds/CSDeckerx
Summary: Chloe Decker just watched Lucifer go back to hell. How does she deal with the aftermath of losing the love of her life? Post 4x10





	I Wish You Were Here

**Author's Note:**

> Listen 99% of this is depressing and i want you all to know i hate myself for writing it so dont come at me okay enjoy <3

The night Lucifer had left her alone standing on the balcony of his penthouse, filled with nothing but devestation and heartache, was probably the worst night of her entire life. She vaguely recalls forcing her feet to carry her inside only to collapse onto his bed. The instance she lay down his scent enveloped her and she couldnt stop the sob that broke free, followed by hours of tears until she fell in and out of a restless slumber.  
  
She is awoken by Maze, Amenadiel and Linda with baby Charlie in her arms. They had come round, worried after her and Lucifer had not answered any calls or texts.  
  
She barely remembers telling the them what had happened, her voice monotone, still finding it hard to accept he was exactly gone.   
  
She knew they were hurt and angry from the raised voices between them but she could barely bring herself to interact with them in that very moment. How was this even real?  
  
Amenadiel's hand rested on her shoulder as he looks at her, eyes filled with sadness and understanding.  
  
"Chloe?" He asks her, though she is not sure what his question is. She sees the pain in his eyes and emotions flood her all over again.  
  
"Amenadiel, please. Bring him back." She begs the angel in front of her, grasping his arm.  
  
"I can't." He shakes his head with sympathy.  
  
"Angels can come and go from hell right? So go and get him back." She demands.  
  
"Yes we can. But even if i go, he wont come back, Chloe. My brother is stubborn and if he is doing this to protect those he loves... He won't risk your life."   
  
She releases her hold on him, stepping back and muttering a goodbye before she leaves, not looking back.   
  
Chloe drives home, realising she had another difficult talk ahead of her, she had to tell Trixie. She will as soon as she gets home, she just takes the longer way to buy herself some time before speaking the words 'Lucifer is gone' again, each time tearing a new hole in her already shattered heart.  
  
Trixie knows something is wrong, watching Chloe carefully as she gives a farewell to the babysitter.  
  
"Mommy are you okay?"  
  
Chloe breathes shakily, biting her lip to stop herself from bursting out crying. She moves to sit down beside her daughter on the couch.  
  
"I'll be okay." Chloe lies and Trixie sees right through her, her little face frowning. She reaches up to Chloe's face and wipes a tear off her mothers cheek, her own eyes glistening with upset at Chloe's distress.  
  
"Mom what's wrong, tell me."   
  
Chloe pauses, trying to get through this without breaking down, she needed to be strong for her daughter.  
  
"Trix... Lucifer... we're not going to see him from now on."   
  
"What, why?" Her frown deepens.  
  
"He had to leave, to do a very important job, to protect alot of people, including us."  
  
"Oh. Well when is he coming back?" Trixie asks, not understanding the gravity of Chloe's words.   
  
"I-" she takes a deep breath to steady herself. "I don't think he ever is coming back, baby. We won't see him again."   
  
Trixie stares at her for a few moments, taking in this news.  
  
"But he's my friend." She speaks quietly as tears fall from her eyes.  
  
"I know, i know." She whispers as she wraps her arms around Trixie, snuggling her closer, both of them crying, trying to find comfort in one another.  
  
As she heads into her bedroom to get changed that day, she opens her bedside drawer with purpose. She picks up the bullet necklace he had given her for her birthday, feeling an immense wave of guilt for even taking it off for so long. She puts it around her neck and vows to never go a day without wearing it again. It almost felt like she would carry a part of him with her.  
  
After 3 days she tries to go back to work as it had always been something that could take her mind of her problems. It was more difficult than she thought. Everything to do with work just reminded her of Lucifer's absense and she physically ached.   
  
She informs Dan and Ella that Lucifer wont be working with them anymore, that he had left for another job and that he wasnt coming back. They didnt seem to buy it at first, especially Ella.  
  
"Chloe, like you said he does this to blow off steam, he is dramatic and then comes back, right?" Ella supplies with enthusiasm but as she looks at Chloe's face, her own drops realising how very real this was. She tightly hugs Chloe, before running off to her lab, closing the blinds, wanting privacy to process losing a beloved friend and collegue.  
  
Dan stands there, sympthay in his gaze for Chloe as well as traces of guilt. She turns around and heads to her desk, ready to drown herself into a case.   
  
Even that didnt give her any reprive.   
  
There were moments on cases when she would turn to her side to talk to him, forgetting for a moment that he wasn't by her side. Someone would say something that a dirty mind would interpret differently and she waits for Lucifer to make a sly innuendo or retort. She is only met with the silence and an empty space.  
  
This goes on for the next 2 months, she works and she misses him, but she blocks her emotions from being let out. Linda is concerned for her, she tells her its not healthy to keep everything bottled up and maybe she is right but she cant stop and really think how he was gone, it hurt too much.  
  
It seemed that notion was about to come to an end when her lieutanent approaches her desk, a look of apprehension mixed with authority on her features.   
  
"Detective Decker." She greets and Chloe stands.   
  
"Lieutanent Casey."  
  
"I think its time we discuss closing Mr Morningstar's civilian consultant status."   
  
"What?" She asks, feeling anger boil inside her, fist clenching round paperwork.  
  
"He's been gone for nearly 2 months now and as you said he's never coming back. Its time we all move on."   
  
"He's not dead!" Chloe screams at her, a rush of fury exploding out of her. " stop talking about him like he is dead!"   
  
The lieutanents face drops in shock and indignation. Everyone is the precinct turns to look at the commotion.   
  
"Detective Decker, i think it might be best for you to really take time and process this. Im ordering you to take 4 weeks to sort yourself out." Lieutenant Casey tells her strictly but Chloe can read the sympathy underneath.  
  
Chloe, shocked at her own outburst, goes without hesitation. She was in pain and she needed to deal with it, she needed to work through it.  
  
She ends up asking the friend who might be able to give her some advice.  
  
"Linda what do i do? How do i even begin to try and move on? I don't want to move on." She confides to the therapist who nods is understanding.  
  
"Losing someone is hard, Chloe. I know we both know he isnt actually dead but-" Linda takes a moment, centering herself, "he's gone and he is not coming back, and all of us have to accept that."   
  
"Us?"  
  
"Im still finding it hard too, Chloe. Not to mention Maze, who has been by his side for centuries and Amenadiel, him and Lucifer had gotten so close as brothers again."   
  
"Yeah, im so sorry i never even asked. How are you all dealing with it?"   
  
"We all have are own ways of getting through it, but thats what we are doing Chloe, 'getting through it'. You can't lock it away and bottle up your emotions, or it will eat you alive."   
  
"I want to, but when i start to i keep finding myself..." She trails off.  
  
"Angry at him?" Linda finishes.  
  
"Yeah." She looks down in guilt.  
  
"That is a perfectly reasonable response."  
  
"Is it? I mean, he sacrificed his life here on earth to go do a job he hates all so we are safe. So why am i feeling so angry about that?"   
  
"Because he left you and hasn't come back?"  
  
Chloe squeezes her eyes shut, wringling her hands together before taking a long breath.  
  
"He can come back, and he hasn't, even after i begged him to stay, even after i told him i-" she stops herself, biting her lip as her vision becomes blurred.  
  
"Why do you think he hasn't come back to visit?" Linda inquires with a tilt of her head.  
  
"Maze told me that time passed differently in hell. That my hours were actually weeks for Lucifer, right?"   
  
Linda nods in confirmation.  
  
"He's thousands of years old, he's met so many people. I've known him for 4 years, to him that is nothing. So if it has been years for him already then im scared. What if- what if he's forgotten me?" Her voice breaks and is followed by a harsh sob that jolts her body.  
  
"Chloe, listen to me. I know Lucifer and trust me when i say you are seered onto his heart, he could never forget you. No matter how long." Linda says strongly, moving to sit beside her and rub soothing circles on her back as Chloe cries subside.  
  
After a few minutes she speaks again. "You want to know why i think he hasn't come back, even for a day?"   
  
Chloe looks up at her with sore eyes, sniffling and shaking her head.  
  
"I think he is being kind. To the both of you."  
  
"Tell me Chloe, would you really want him to come and see you for a limited number of days over the course of your whole life, watching him leave again and to wait for the next time?"   
  
"No. I want him for the rest of my life." Chloe murmurs, heart aching at the image that was only available in her dreams now.  
  
"I know, but you can't and neither can he. Wouldn't it be painful for the both of you to live your life like that? Waiting on a few days?"   
  
"But i'd see him again." She whispers to herself, but she also agrees with what Linda is saying. None of this was fair.  
  
Chloe nods in acceptance. "How's little Charlie doing?" She asks with genuine interest although it gave her the excuse to take the spotlight from her messed up heart which she was grateful for.  
  
That night she ends up driving a familiar route that she hadnt been down since he had left. She enters Lux, eerily quiet with not a single soul inside. She takes the elevator up and steps out into the untouched penthouse. The surroundings send a soothing warmth through her.  
  
She drags her fingers gently across the piano keys remembering every beautiful note he had played as she sat beside him. She sits down on the stool, pressing the only keys she knows. The rendition of 'Heart and Soul' turns meloncholy at her slower pace. She feels wet hot tears slip down her face as her hand drops down to her side.  
  
She turns her head towards the balcony, her feet carrying her to the last spot were they stood together. She looks up towards the sky, taking in and truly appreciating every single star that shined. A true testment to their creator. It made her feel closer to him. Almost.  
  
"It's not fair." She shouts to the sky before grabbing the railing hard in anger. She closes her eyes, remembering with perfect clarity the soft gentle carress of his fingers against her face. She could still hear the shakiness of his breathe as he whispered a second goodbye.   
  
But then she open her eyes and is left with only the LA skyline view to look at. Nowhere near as magnificant as it used to be. In fact everything Lucifer had imprinted himself onto had become very dull and excrutiating for her.  
  
Linda was right, she needed to let herself feel this loss if she was going to live her life, the life Lucifer has gone back to hell for so it could be lived fully. It was being here in the penthouse that she could allow herself to grief, it was were she felt safe to release everything she had been feeling. So she came back every week. It helped in a way and after a few weeks she was back at work. They tried to pair her up with a new partner but she admantly refused to which they respected. They knew she was a great detective, she didn't need another one and didnt want anyone else but him.  
  
8 months pass by and by the time her birthday came around she was still processing him not being here. The others showered her with love and gifts and friendship and it made her feel happy for a few hours, but everyone could feel the massive absence that Lucifer had left in her life. That night she went to his penthouse, changed into one of his shirts and lay in his bed. She brings the pillow to her nose, inhaling deeply before releasing a shaky sigh, hoping with all her might that history might repeat itself and he would show up like he did last time. She clutches the bullet that lies on her chest tightly, bringing it to her lips.  
  
"Please." She whispers against the cool copper, closing her eyes as she waits for him to appear with an apology for being late. "Come back to me."  
  
He doesn't.  
  
More months pass and things are a little better for the most part. That is until a strong reminder of Lucifer hits her and she feels utterlylost again in that moment. Trixie had asked her to make grilled cheese sandwhiches and the onslaught of memories of him making them, epsecially for her on their 'date' bombarded her mind. It felt almost pathetic to get upset over food but she couldn't escape the painful memories. She wonders if she ever really wanted to escape it.  
  
  
One ordinary night, she visits the penthouse, wrapping herself in his dressing gown, which remarkably still held his lingering scent but only just. His smell was starting to disappear to only be replace with her own. The thought it would be gone soon felt like a hammer to the chest.  
  
She falls asleep in his bed once again but wakes up during the middle of the night for seemingly no reason.  
  
"Chloe." A breathless whisper filled the room. She had thought she had heared his voice before, walking down the street or at the precinct but she always knew it was all a cruel trick of her mind.   
  
Yet, the pained, awe-filled longing in this voice was almost too real. She tightly squeezes her eyes shut, trying to ignore the lunacy her mind had created.  
  
It is the slight dipping of the matress followed by the tender touch of a warm hand on her shoulder that causes her eyes to fly open and her head turn sharply. Her heart stops at the sight.  
  



End file.
